Friends Who Know I am a Christian Scientist have asked me if I would ever go to the hospital if I had a life-threatening emergency. There are two reasons they wonder about this. They care about my well-being and safety, and they're also curious about my reliance on God's healing power.

I've had many healings in my life through reliance on prayer, including those of flu, infection, and fractured and dislocated bones. Each healing has made me love and trust God more. Some healings were quick. Some required more perseverance and spiritual growth. But with each healing I learned wonderful things about God and His love for me. Because of all these experiences. I've found it very natural to ask God for His guidance and care whenever I'm in trouble.

There was a time, however, when the question of going to the hospital became a very urgent one for me.

One winter I became ill with coughing, painful lungs, and extreme weakness. I turned to God for healing. When the symptoms grew worse, I stayed home from the office and devoted myself to constant prayer. I searched the Bible with all my heart for the wisdom and understanding I needed. Through years of experience, I've found the writings of Mary Baker Eddy to be invaluable in illuminating my understanding of the Bible. So I pored over these writings, also. I then asked a practitioner to give me Christian Science treatment.

Our prayer led me to consider a number of ideas relative to conforming my life more consistently to what I understood to be God's law of being and harmony for all His creation. For instance, I detected self-pity, expressed in a desire to be tended to and approved of. So, instead of struggling to please others for selfish gain, I sought to please God and give more generously to others. I knew that I was growing spiritually, increasingly understanding the identity God gave me.

In spite of the progress I was making in spiritual understanding, however, the symptoms continued to worsen. I even began to wonder if I was going to live. At night, I often awakened from dreams of death. I struggled in prayer to resist fear, frustration, and pain, which were all completely unlike the facts I'd been learning about God's always-present love. The dark thoughts came mostly at night. By day, I usually felt deep gratitude and appreciation for God's love for all His creation, including me. I loved what I was learning from my study and prayer, and I was confident that I was on the right track. So I persisted.

One evening, though, when my husband came home from work and found me in yet worse condition, he wanted to rush me to the hospital.

It was a difficult moment for each of us, because we were both feeling desperate about deciding on the best course of action. I knew I needed care, and felt sure that the best choice would be to hire a Christian Science nurse to take care of my physical needs while I continued having Christian Science treatment through prayer. Although my husband had seen many of my spiritual healings, this time he feared for my life. He insisted on taking me to the hospital soon.

The practitioner, who was with us that evening, saw that the problem was not "Christian Science versus the hospital." She saw the need as "finding God's care" for both my husband and me. She said that Christian Science was not a tool to separate, but a power to unite.

The practitioner then asked me to turn to God with all my heart and ask what He wanted me to do. When I tried to follow her request, I was surprised at how hard it was for me. My willfulness had backed me into a corner, and that unreasonable attitude had to dissolve before I could expect to hear God's guidance. When I did find the humility that I needed, I asked God for His direction.

The angel-like thought—the words that came to me as I listened for God's message—was: "Well, do you love your husband?"

That was all I needed to hear. Of course I loved him. And I wanted my love for him to show. I had spent the past several weeks praying and searching for a better understanding of divine Love. But now I realized that I had been avoiding my husband's involvement in the healing, and had not sought any ways for him to understand or support it. In fact, I was so busy tending only to myself, I hadn't concerned myself at all with his feelings and fears. I hadn't even considered him as part of the solution. I was sorry to see this about myself. And I decided that if going to the hospital was the best way to show him my love and my respect for his concern, I would do it.

I still had no desire of my own to go to the hospital, because I did not believe that medical procedures could resolve the issues of my spiritual needs. But since my husband's comfort had become of great concern to me, I agreed to go. Just having something to do—locating a doctor for me—helped my husband feel included instead of rejected. He didn't want to take me to an emergency room until he'd found a doctor, so he agreed we'd wait until morning unless I had another violent attack during the night.

My husband went to bed, and I continued to pray with my whole heart. But this time it was different. Instead of fending off thoughts of fear and darkness for myself, I was filled with a deep desire to love my husband better. I wanted to devote every ounce of life I had to loving. The room seemed to be filled with light that night. Beautiful thoughts of God's love for me, and for all of His children, kept pouring in. I had never felt closer to God. That wonderful feeling of closeness came with these words: "Because God is, I know that I am."

Regardless of what the doctors' diagnoses or prognoses might be, I felt the conviction that wherever God was, I would be safely loved by Him.

Around 4:30 in the morning, I felt impelled to get up. And I discovered, to my amazement and joy, that I could not only move the blankets and sit up by myself, but could actually get up and walk by myself. A little later, I went into the kitchen to fix myself some breakfast. By the time my husband got up, he saw there was no need to rush off to the hospital, because I was better than he had seen me in weeks. He still wanted to take me in, if I suffered some kind of setback. But he went on to work, and I promised I'd let him know if I was having any trouble.

I proceeded to clean up my sick room and spent the day in quiet gratitude. I was completely well, and even fixed supper for my husband when he came home that evening. Within the next couple of days, we went shopping and even played tennis together.

Asking God to explain what had happened, I realized He had just shown me how much He loved me. He wanted me to feel that love in my marriage, and to know that my devotion to Him would always serve to unite me to people, never to separate me from them.

To me this healing was evidence that Christian Science healing does not involve blind faith, but intelligent understanding of God, a faithful and unselfish adherence to His guidance, a humility to relinquish one's personal will. It also involves a profound awareness of God's presence and His love that each of us can express in practical affection for family members.