These days , I wake up in the morning, and I want to get out of bed because I look forward to the good things the day will bring. I ask God to show me how I can serve Him by loving and blessing His children. But it hasn't always been this way.

Several years ago I was very dissatisfied with my life. I felt that I wasn't progressing quickly enough in my work, and I felt constant pressure to do more, to do better. But the more I tried, the more frustration and fear I felt. Goals in life had become my god, and it seemed as if I could never accomplish them no matter how much I tried. I always felt that I was falling short of the mark. I began to deeply doubt my abilities and my worth.

I began suffering from mental darkness and depression. Many days I felt as if I could barely function. The mental darkness became so overwhelming that I felt more and more unable to do my work and less motivated even to try. Finally I decided to ask a Christian Science practitioner to pray with me for healing.

I so much wanted to contribute to the world, but I kept hitting roadblocks: my willfulness, my impatience, and my great fear of failure. Many times I wanted to give up—commit suicide—because everything seemed so hopeless.

The practitioner encouraged me to look for even pinpricks of light. So, gradually, in the midst of that great darkness, I began to look for even the smallest evidence of God's presence. I tried to appreciate whatever I could find that pointed to the fact that there was a God who had created the universe—for example, the beauty of a flower, the majesty of the trees outside my window, the care shown by a friend, the loyalty and love of my cat.

When you're in great darkness, it can seem that these little things don't matter, don't count. I had felt that way. But I kept coming back to those simple things, realizing that they did count. They helped reassure me that, even though it seemed as if God wasn't with me, He was. Recognizing God as the Creator of something as common as a tree or flower enabled me to acknowledge that my Father-Mother was with me.

I began to see that I had to work things out the way the Christ—the voice of Truth within my consciousness—was guiding me, and not the way I willfully wanted. Many times my only prayer was admitting that Truth was with me and was my Saviour. Mary Baker Eddy's book Science and Health refers to this Truth as "a divine influence ever present in human consciousness and repeating itself, coming now as was promised aforetime,

Little by little I became willing to thank God for the fact that the Christ was giving me strength and guiding me, even when I didn't feel it. Many times, that voice of Truth in my heart brought comfort by reassuring me that there was hope for my healing of this despair, even if I didn't have a clue how or when it would happen. This Christ-influence quietly encouraged me to keep going, to keep looking to the light, even when I didn't think I could.

Step by step, I started to see God as the source of my worth and to let go of the material measurements that I was using to judge myself by—the amount of money I earned, where I lived, how advanced I was in my career. I began to define myself less in terms of people's opinions and more in terms of what God was knowing about me and how He was loving me. I caught glimpses of the fact that God had made me as His child and was satisfied with how He had done it.

The idea that my worth came directly from God and had nothing to do with anyone else's standards began making me question the dark thoughts of failure that had been haunting me. Maybe there really was a different way to look at things, a spiritual way, that I hadn't yet been able to grasp. The more I turned to God and let Him tell me my worth, the less I felt engulfed in darkness and despair.

I started to be more satisfied with what God was giving me in life and with how He was taking care of me. I began to feel more grateful for everything He was providing—a good home, caring friends, loving prayer from the practitioner in my darkest hours.

My perspective started changing. My prayers changed, too. I began praying to have more humility, more patience, love, willingness to listen to God and do things the way He was guiding me to do—and to let go of my own willful thoughts and desires. Even when I wasn't sure of how things would turn out, I became more open to trusting the guidance of the divine Mind, rather than having to control things myself.

When I started looking for satisfaction and peace more in God and less in material things and circumstances, I found more satisfaction and peace. Along with that came the realization that God loved me and had not abandoned me.

Full healing took place over the course of two years. There were many times when I felt like returning once again to the angry, willful thoughts of wanting things "my way." An important breakthrough came when I realized that I had a choice between light and darkness. I could choose dark, willful, angry, impatient thoughts—or I could choose thoughts of patience, willingness, love, joy, receptivity to God, obedience. This was a battle, but little by little I realized that I preferred living in the light much more than living in darkness. In fact, I realized, I loved living in the light.

Joy and peace followed from my listening to God and being willing to do things His way instead of insisting on my own. This idea that I had a choice and that there wasn't some other power forcing me to live in darkness was liberating. I saw that I really could let go of dark thoughts because they didn't have power over me. The power was in the light, not in the darkness.

I have found a new way, a new life. The darkness and the desire to die disappeared completely in the light of humility and willingness to obey God. I no longer focus on measuring my human accomplishments, but instead on recognizing my worth as God-created, as opposed to self-made. Peace and satisfaction are not in outward things, but are within me as God's child.

The Bible says, "Behold, I make all things new" (Rev. 21:5). I feel I have been made new through the power of Christ, Truth. And I found the light—not in matter, but in Spirit, which is God.