I was reared in a home where Christian Science was loved and practiced. In addition to my enrollment as a pupil in a Christian Science Sunday School for twelve years I attended a school for Christian Scientists. Throughout my schooling and college days I expected and experienced much success and joy in everything I did. I understood my true nature to be God's reflection, and I never doubted I would have the wisdom, grace, and conviction of purpose that I needed. I have always cherished this verse in Romans (8:28): "All things work together for good to them that love God."

A year and a half ago my life changed dramatically as a result of a prolonged testing time. It started when I traveled halfway across the world to settle a relationship difficulty that had been hanging over me for quite a while. Though I'd felt guided by divine Love to take this action, the problem certainly was not resolved as I'd imagined it would be. I returned home feeling that my faith in God had really let me down. So began a time of transition—a "wilderness" experience. In Science and Health Mrs. Eddy begins her definition of "wilderness" with these words (p. 597): "Loneliness; doubt; darkness." They aptly describe my situation at that point.

I spent many months drifting and searching. The things that had previously been so fulfilling—friends, social activities, even my teaching work—afforded me no enjoyment or satisfaction. Self-pity and doubt gradually gained a foothold in my consciousness, and for the first time I began to wonder if I would ever be joyous and lighthearted again. For many months I cried myself to sleep each night, pleading with God to show me why I had to go through such an ordeal.

Finally, when self-respect and a sense of purpose had reached rock bottom, I sought help from a Christian Science practitioner. She lovingly pointed out a passage in Mrs. Eddy's book The First Church of Christ, Scientist, and Miscellany that suddenly and completely dispelled the tormenting doubts (p. 165): "As an active portion of one stupendous whole, goodness identifies man with universal good. Thus may each member of this church rise above the oft-repeated inquiry, What am I? to the scientific response: I am able to impart truth, health, and happiness, and this is my rock of salvation and my reason for existing." Here was my renewal of purpose, independent of persons or circumstances—to strive to "impart truth, health, and happiness." What more fulfilling reason for existing could there be?

Almost overnight joy returned, and my life became happy and fulfilled. Looking back on the "wilderness" experience, I'm thankful for the spiritual enlightenment and growth I gained. Unquestionably, that fallow time enabled me to put down deep and permanent spiritual roots. In her Message to The Mother Church for 1902, Mrs. Eddy states (p. 17): "Happiness consists in being and in doing good; only what God gives, and what we give ourselves and others through His tenure, confers happiness: conscious worth satisfies the hungry heart, and nothing else can." I am extremely grateful for the many evidences of "conscious worth" that continue to be mine through Christian Science.

SARAH-JANE FREELAND
Mount Waverley, Victoria, Australia