Deserving of love
Throughout my life, I have always valued relationships and put a lot of effort into making relationships work. So I felt blindsided when my boyfriend, who was moving on to college, decided that it would be best to split up. I was so angry that I made it a point to make sure he knew how I felt: unloved and unwanted. Soon, these feelings of animosity toward him began to translate into my other relationships. I found myself pushing away my loved ones because I felt that I was undeserving of their love and care.
One evening, I came home from school in tears. At first, my mom tried to comfort me, but I was so frustrated that I pushed her away once again and retreated to my room. As I lay on my bed, all I could think about was how much I hated my former boyfriend for not wanting to be with me. I kept thinking, “How can I be happy without him?” And, “What have I done to deserve this?” I blamed myself for the breakup, convinced I’d done something wrong, and that this was the real reason he’d broken up with me.
I kept thinking, “How could I be happy without him?”
As I lay there, though, the one thing I knew for sure was that I wasn’t going to get anywhere by wallowing in self-pity, so I turned to God as I’ve learned to do in times of trouble. The thought occurred to me to pick up my copy of Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures by Mary Baker Eddy. When I did, the book opened to page 57 , where it says, “The wintry blasts of earth may uproot the flowers of affection, and scatter them to the winds; but this severance of fleshly ties serves to unite thought more closely to God, for Love supports the struggling heart until it ceases to sigh over the world and begins to unfold its wings for heaven.”
It was then that I realized I’d forgotten about the most important relationship in my life: my relation to God. I saw that this was a good opportunity to understand my perfect oneness with God and to embrace my spiritual identity as His beloved daughter. I realized that I had been putting my relationship with my boyfriend first, rather than acknowledging that I was already complete, because God gives me everything I need. I’d been depending on my boyfriend for happiness when, really, I had all the love I could ever need or want from God. I just needed to accept it. As these ideas dawned on me, it was as if all the anger that had been bottled up inside completely vanished, and for the first time in a while I truly felt content and complete.
I also realized that I couldn’t harbor these feelings of resentment and anger toward my boyfriend. God’s love is universal and impartial, so since God doesn’t choose whom to love and whom to hate, as His reflection I must also reflect this all-embracing love. This love doesn’t vary based on circumstances, and it can never go away. I saw that this was true for both my boyfriend and for me—that being loving and feeling loved were natural to both of us.
I’d been depending on my boyfriend for happiness when, really, I had all the love I could ever need or want from God.
After I prayed this way for a while, I felt peaceful, so I decided to call my ex-boyfriend and attempt to find some closure. I was amazed to find out that he was dialing my number just as I was calling him. Without any prompting from me, he apologized for his harshness and asked for my forgiveness. Although he is not a Christian Scientist, I shared what I’d been praying about and was so grateful that he connected with the ideas. Together, we came to the conclusion that it was right to move on from our relationship, but that we could still be friends.
I’m so grateful that we were able to find closure and to move forward without any bad feelings. But what really meant the most to me about this experience is the closeness I felt to God, and the understanding that my relation to divine Love is unbreakable. That means that each of us doesn’t merely deserve love; being loved is what we are and always will be as God’s sons and daughters.