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Chronic pain and desire to die healed

From the August 15, 2011 issue of the Christian Science Sentinel


In 2005, about a year and a half into a difficult divorce process, I began experiencing severe, chronic pain in my abdomen. My own prayers would bring me relief, and when I didn’t feel I could pray for myself, I would call for supportive prayer from a Christian Science practitioner. I felt comforted and reassured during these prayerful times, and I knew on some level that healing was taking place in my thought. It seemed, though, that a pattern had developed of painful and painless times, which continued on even after the divorce had been settled.

With the ongoing prayerful support from Christian Science practitioners I contacted at different times, I gained little by little in the understanding of God and Her nature as the reality of my existence. I was accepting the fact that God creates and supports Her creation with perfect and never-ending love. As I claimed myself as God’s reflection, I could see myself mirroring the qualities of divine Mind. I remember how wonderfully free I felt each time I contemplated that it was God caring for me. I knew I could place my complete trust in that all-inclusive Love and feel its effect tangibly every moment. I gained much confidence as I chose to rely on and stay with the many spiritual truths in the Holy Bible and Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures, by Mary Baker Eddy.

In Mrs. Eddy’s message to The Mother Church titled Christian Science versus Pantheism, I found this statement: “Finally, brethren, let us continue to denounce evil as the illusive claim that God is not supreme, and continue to fight it until it disappears,—but not as one that beateth the mist, but lifteth his head above it and putteth his foot upon a lie” (p. 6).

One night I was alone and was seized with pain. I immediately called a practitioner, but I couldn’t seem to get any relief. Then, out of nowhere, came the subtle yet alluring suggestion, which seemed like my own thought, to just let go of life and die. It would be all right, came the thought; no one would blame me for just letting go, and then I wouldn’t have to suffer anymore. I was in such agony in that moment that I felt as if I could consent to death. But right on the heels of that suggestion I recognized this type of thinking was not from God, who is Life itself. I knew that God wanted me to accept Him as my own Life.

I loved this idea from Science and Health, which states clearly what I was to overcome and realize: “When it is learned that disease cannot destroy life, and that mortals are not saved from sin or sickness by death, this understanding will quicken into newness of life. It will master either a desire to die or a dread of the grave, and thus destroy the great fear that besets mortal existence” (p. 426).

As I prayed, all fear left and I thoroughly challenged the impulse to die. I saw I could never “die out” of divine Love’s embrace, since I live every moment as God’s blessed child, well and safe. I became convinced that it didn’t matter what the flesh did or didn’t do. I felt God’s protecting presence surrounding me and knew I couldn’t suffer at Love’s hand. With that realization, though still in great pain, I fell asleep. I awoke refreshed and free from the pain.

This taught me that I had to prayerfully handle the belief that there was any power other than God, who bestows only health and goodness. But during the next few years, when I would get upset over something, entertain an unkind thought, or even overeat, the pain in my abdomen would return. Finally, after another attack of pain came over me—this time severer than ever—I called a practitioner, who shared the simple idea for me to just thank God for caring for me in every way and in everything. I realized I was being grateful when the agony would cease, as I naturally felt God had delivered me. But the need was to be ever and always grateful. I remembered how when Christ Jesus raised Lazarus from death, he first thanked God. Jesus saw God as Life, always continuous with no end.

From then on, each time my thought would trail in the dust of doubt, I would return to the Truth and thank God for caring for me. I knew that She always cared for me and that I was Her child, safe and with a sure purpose. That clear assurance brought permanent freedom and healing. The pain stopped. It’s been well over a year since this awakening, and I’m pleased to say I’ve had no return of the discomfort and no fear that it will return.

I’m so grateful to God, to Christ Jesus’ mission of love, and to Mary Baker Eddy’s writings, which explain how God works in our lives. I’m also grateful for the loving help of Christian Science practitioners, whose love blesses all mankind.


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