One family, Two faiths father & son find common ground

Growing up with parents who practice different faiths isn't always easy, according to Kevin Watters. But it's an opportunity for everyone to do more than just ″talk the talk” of a particular religion. In separate interviews with the Herald, Kevin and his father, Don, discuss their interfaith family relationship, and why it works.

Kevin speaks

What was it like growing up with parents who practiced different faiths?

It was a good thing, although it certainly had its challenges.

I was raised primarily in Christian Science, but I was able to learn about another religion. I think this was good for a couple of reasons: I gained an empathy for people who think differently. And I learned to love both my parents, even though I know one of them thinks differently about stuff than me. So you're sort of learning to love.

What about your mom and dad's faiths?

My mom is a Christian Scientist. She was a full-time mother, so she was always around to give her support. If there was a problem we'd pray about it, or call a Christian Science practitioner to help us through prayer.

My dad, who is Catholic, travels a lot on business, so most of the time I went to the Christian Science Sunday School. Occasionally I would go to church with him, but I never went through any formal Catholic schooling or teaching.

What were some of the challenges you mentioned?

When you're in a household where you see medicine being used, it challenges you to think deeply about what you really believe in. A lot of people who grow up in Christian Science families aren't exposed to traditional medicine. In our family my dad uses medicine. What's been interesting to me is that although there were times, at a young age, that I also used medicine or chose medicine, I still believe that Christian Science is the most potent cure, and that's what I rely on now.

Was there a point in your life when you decided what you really wanted to practice?

Yes. Once when I was about twelve years old, my dad picked me up from school and said, ″We're going over to the doctor's office.” And I asked, ″Why?”

He said, ″Well, we're going to have your warts frozen off.” I had a problem with warts and I probably had about twenty of them all over my hands. He had taken me to the doctor once before, and the medical treatment hadn't worked; the warts had come back, and there were more of them.

So I answered, ″No, I'm not going. I'm going to rely on God to heal this.”

And he said, ″Fine, I'll give you a week to handle this in your own way, and if there's no progress, then we're going to go back to the doctor.”

My parents had an arrangement where my dad agreed to let my mom and me do whatever we thought was best at first. So almost all of the time we asked for Christian Science treatment. And my dad gave us a certain amount of time to heal a problem exclusively through prayer.

And what happened?

I went into Sunday School that week and told my teacher about the warts. And I asked her to pray for me. In my own prayers I remember thinking that there isn't a place where God isn't present. Therefore, there couldn't be a spot where a wart or anything unlike God, who is good, could exist. And this was the first time I really took a stand. Within the time limit my father had given me, all the warts disappeared. And I think my dad acknowledged it as a spiritual healing.

Another time I had some problems with my knees. My mom and I went to see a doctor because my dad wanted it checked out. They said that I had flat feet and that if I didn't wear orthotics and have a regimen of stretching and stuff like that, I would be a cripple by the time I was eighteen. That was a pretty serious diagnosis considering I was an athlete in a number of sports.

I got the orthotics and started to wear them. Then, eventually, I realized that it wasn't going to help me. So I started relying completely on prayer to heal my feet and knees. And I haven't had any trouble since then.

Did you continue to go to church with your dad?

Once I decided that I was going to practice Christian Science, we developed an arrangement where my dad comes to our Thanksgiving service every year, and we go to his Christmas Eve Mass.

Did you talk about religion in your family?

We sort of stayed away from talking about religion, because it was easy to get caught up in the differences. Although, as a kid, I think I pushed my opinions on my dad. I'd be learning stuff in Sunday School, and would come home and want to tell him about it, or understand why he didn't believe certain things I did. I had to learn to accept and appreciate his beliefs.

What do you think unites you as a family in terms of how you think about God?

I think what unites us is our belief that God is good and that we need to live in a certain way to honor God. There are two things about my dad that I've always admired. The first is that he is a very devout Catholic. He never misses church, to the point where if we were on an island somewhere, he would charter a plane and fly to the nearest church. That was his commitment to be there. Because he felt that church was very important, and I think that had an influence on us.

What kind of influence?

He set a good example. It taught me that religion and church and spirituality are important. That these are things worth making the sacrifices for. You have to do more than just talk about how important it is. It has to be reflected in your actions.

Secondly, I think my dad is very Christian — very loving, gentle, patient, and honest.

How can teens have successful interfaith family relationships?

You learn to find the common ground, although it isn't always easy. And for our family the common ground is the Bible. For instance, last Christmas we were trying to make our gathering a little more spiritually oriented. Each year I'd choose some passages from the Bible to read before dinner. Last year, we all sat around as a family and read the Sermon on the Mount. It's a long sermon — Matthew 5, 6, and 7 . And everyone in the family took turns reading. It was an awesome experience to see more than 20 members of all different faiths, sitting around reading the Sermon on the Mount.

What would you say to someone who felt very alone in their faith?

I think it would be important for them to realize they're not really on their own. God is taking care of them and they can trust God. No matter what anyone else is saying or doing, they have a unique relationship with God that will help them deal with whatever they're facing.

Don speaks

As a practicing Catholic, married to a practicing Christian Scientist, what was your approach to raising children, in terms of their spiritual education?

I think the most important things have to do with the way Christians are supposed to live. The two greatest commandments of Jesus are about worshiping God and the way you treat other people — the Golden Rule. I think that is the guiding principle we tried to instill in our children. That there is a God who looks after them, and it's not enough just to acknowledge that. There are some responsibilities that go along with that: how you live your life and how you interact with other people.

As parents, we emphasized what Christians are and what Christians are supposed to do, as opposed to the subtleties between different forms of Christianity. We allowed them to attend — encouraged them to attend — services in both faiths when they were young.

The way my wife, Sue, and I worked things out was an acknowledgment that, as the primary caregiver, she would have more influence and contact with the children than I would, and that, therefore, her beliefs would be transmitted explicitly or implicitly to them. We agreed in advance that would be OK. Before we got married, we had discussions about this and agreed that fundamentally our beliefs were sufficiently consistent that we could live together and raise a family.

How did you deal with the issue of health care?

We agreed that until our children were old enough to decide for themselves, if they were in a life-threatening situation, or I felt strongly about it, they would be treated under the conventional medical care system. I can only think of one or two times in their whole childhood when that occurred. We agreed that our children would practice Christian Science beliefs. If a situation came to the point where I got fundamentally uncomfortable, however, then I would be able to exercise my rights as a parent as well.

Have you had any experiences with spiritual healing?

Not in the same way as Christian Scientists do. As a believer, I believe in the power to be healed. I believe I have been spared, cared for, etc. But I use conventional medical care.

Do you talk much about religion at home?

We don't debate religion. We talk more about how to live a Christian life than about religious differences. It doesn't do any good to say something if you don't live it.

While there are differences in specific religious beliefs, there is a Christian way to live whether people are Christian Scientists or Catholics or Methodists.

Being a Christian Scientist is harder than the others, I believe, because of the additional dimension of spiritual healing. So it's an extra-special version of Christianity, in my view, and harder than what most other people sign up for.

What would you say are the necessary ingredients for a successful interfaith relationship, whether it's a marriage or dating?

The most important thing is personal trust and shared values. We fundamentally believed in leading the same kind of life in the same sort of way, with some different twists, obviously. The kind of people we wanted to be, the kind of people we wanted to be around, the way we wanted our children to be were fundamentally the same. If you're in agreement about most things, what you call it is less important than who you are and what you do. That was my take on things 30-odd years ago. And it turned out to be fundamentally correct, fortunately for us.

You'd do it all over again?

Absolutely! I've found that most disagreements take place at the level of how something should be done, on what should be done and the question of why something is done often never comes up. If you can get all the way back to the why kind of question, and explore that, usually the disagreements about the whats and the hows fall away.

In this case, the why is who you want to be, and the way you want to live your life. The other things are more in the category of details. They are less important than fundamental alignment on who you are and what life's about.

What advice would you have for teens who may be growing up with parents of different faiths?

I think I would ask a lot: ″Why this? Why that?” Try to understand what's similar, as opposed to what's different.

There are a lot of perceived differences, that may or may not be differences. Other people's views of what Christian Scientists believe and how they live, other people's views of what Catholics believe and how they live, I would say, are often stereotypical views.

By talking about it, asking about it, sharing your views, you can find out. And this is not so much for the kids, but the parents: it's very important to be interested in what the children believe on any topic — religion being probably the most important. And allowing their views to be legitimate, and engaging them in discussion on it. Treating them with the Golden Rule — treating them as if they were adults, in the sense that they have the right to their opinions, and have an obligation to understand what somebody else's opinion is. Treating your children as peers, to the extent possible, is really important. And letting them know you believe that they're your peer, and that they can achieve anything they want to. Let them know that you're prepared to help them.

And I think the interchange between the spouses — the way they deal with each other — is as important as that between parent and child. The main thing is trust and fundamental confidence of the spouses in each other, and feeling that they're each free to be who they are. Then there's an opportunity for that to be passed on to the kids. They can live their lives in freedom as well.