I'm seeing myself in a whole new light

Written for the Sentinel

I spent a big portion of one year feeling quite out of control. It seemed as if I was constantly being tossed about from one challenge to another, and at the same time feeling tremendous self-doubt and insecurity. As a result, I became extremely preoccupied with my physical appearance and how I was coming across to other people. I sought various ways to manipulate my outward appearance, thinking I could somehow convince myself that I was capable and show others I "had it all together." After a good six months of allowing myself to eat only enough to exist, I traded this for something else that, for me, also avoided the issue—strenuous daily exercise.

For the first time in my life I was very thin and my body looked "in shape"—two very important things according to 1990s cultural standards. People right and left were asking me how I was doing it, reinforcing my feeling of great "accomplishment." The ironic part was that the more I enjoyed basking in this newfound superficial control, the more I felt absolutely weighted down and imprisoned by human laws.

In addition to the conscious effort it took to maintain a body weight that was obviously unnatural for me, I was becoming increasingly disturbed by just how medical my life was becoming. My grocery shopping was prescribed by nutritional labels, the frequency and doses of my exercise workouts were determined by how much I had eaten that day or how rapidly I was shrinking clothing sizes, and on and on. Gradually I was being forced to acknowledge that, although I was willfully succeeding in achieving the world's requirements, I was fooling myself. I certainly wasn't following Christ Jesus' teaching to put God first and take no thought for the body.

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